The idea of the importance of stories was first introduced to me in the “Crucial Confrontations” course that I took in 2004. I found the training to be incredibly useful, both in my professional and personal life. The training was so valuable to me that I have asked every supervisor and manager who has worked for me since then to take the course (since retitled to “Crucial Accountability”).
One of the important steps in the accountability process is to “master your story.” It sounds so simple, but is one of the most challenging things that I have found to do in practice. This is because we all naturally attach meaning and motive to actions based on our past experiences. And we do it without even thinking about it. Usually those interpretations involve the feeling that the motives of others are ‘bad’ or in some way, harmful to us. This is known as the fundamental attribution error.
As a simple example, I had a coaching appointment with one of our promising managers. He didn’t show up. My initial reaction was anger. He was being disrespectful and irresponsible. Luckily for me, a professional coach was involved in the meeting as well and was able to guide me through my reaction and mastering my story by asking me to be curious.
- It started with reframing. This is interesting and provides more information about the organization. It doesn’t necessarily mean anything. It is just data.
- What could have happened? Was the meeting set up correctly? Were the expectations of the manager’s participation clear? Could there have been a customer emergency that prevented the manager’s attendance?
When the manager burst into the meeting room 15 minutes late apologizing, my attitude was completely different than it had been and we were able to talk about why the disconnect had happened and we developed a deep coaching relationship over the next several months.
I don’t always have a coach sitting next to me and so I have looked for other ways to improve my ability to master my stories and to avoid harsh judgment. For me, being aware that I am doing this is the first step.
The second step is to allow myself to tell the story with all the ugliness. This means that I have to honestly acknowledge all of the things I am thinking without a filter. Brene Brown calls this our “S****y First Draft (SFD).” The third step is to deconstruct the story. For simple stories, like the interaction with the manager, being aware of the story and consciously stopping the judgment and being curious may be effective. For more serious problems, I find it helpful to talk about my SFD with someone I trust and who will challenge the assumptions. I have a few cherished professional and personal relationships where this can happen.
My challenge for you this week is to be more aware of the stories that you are telling yourself. In order to master our stories, we first have to acknowledge them fully.
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