Kindness and Gratitude through Grief

- Posted by Cindy Leavitt

Two weeks ago, the merger of MSIS with MCIT was officially announced. This has been anticipated for months and I fully support the reasons for the change, and know that it has the potential of being a really good thing for the health system, university, and MSIS.

However, when the announcement happened, I experienced strong feelings of loss and grief. The job that I have loved for almost five years no longer exists and I am not sure what my role in the new organization will be. The group that I spent so much care and energy shaping will be changing. Of course, I am not alone in feeling the loss of identity and group.

In January I read and participated in a discussion on the book, “Transitions, Making Sense of Life’s Changes,” written by William Bridges with other UMHS leaders. The book emphasized that when you are moving to something new, even if it is better, the first step is always an ending. Knowing this helped me to understand why I was experiencing such strong feelings of grief.

This loss brought back powerful memories of other losses in my life and the lessons that I have learned going through them. Some of the most profound lessons I learned about dealing with grief were from observing my incredible sister-in-law, Julie, and her husband, Ron.

On Mother’s Day in 2007, Julie was driving her three youngest children far from home, when she dozed at the wheel and her SUV rolled several times. Her two youngest children, 8-year-old David and 10-year-old Carrie were thrown from the car and died. Julie and her 12-year-old son, James, were injured and rushed to a local hospital where James’ crushed leg was saved by a skilled surgeon.

As we gathered together as a family for the funeral, I was touched by the kindness extended by friends and work colleagues to the family. More memorable was the kindness that Ron and Julie extended to our family in the midst of their deep grief. Both Julie and Ron inquired about our oldest son’s transition to college and offered to help. We all noticed their thoughtfulness and kindness and commented on how amazing it was.

Even more profound was the gratitude that Ron and Julie expressed in spite of their grief. Ron spoke at the funeral and talked about how grateful he was that Julie and James survived. At the time, I remember being in awe that Ron could feel and express such deep gratitude and focus on what he still had instead of what he had lost.

Several months later, we received a letter that Julie wrote that I have kept. I pull it out to read it when I am deeply sad or just want to remember. Here are a few sentences from the letter. “Thank you for your prayers, gifts and service to our family. We feel so blessed to be surrounded by such wonderful family and friends. I have put this letter off for so long because I know that there is no letter that is adequate to express our deep love and gratitude.”

I know that the kindness and gratitude did not stop the feeling of deep sadness and loss that Julie and Ron went through, but they did help them get through it.

Of course, remembering this story brings perspective to the grief that I am experiencing at work, which cannot be compared to the loss of your children. Ron and Julie’s example gives me a framework of how to approach this loss in my work life.

• I started by accepting the kind support from colleagues and friends.
• I am actively reaching out to others in kindness and support since many people are experiencing similar loss and worry as things are so rapidly changing.
• I have taken time to reflect on how grateful I am for the opportunities and lessons learned and impact that I have had in my job over the past five years. 

These steps have helped me work through my loss and let go of what was, so that I can be part of creating something new. We are in the neutral zone between the old and the new. I am continuing to do the things that need to be done to keep the department running smoothly and our projects moving forward, knowing that my leadership and optimism are more important than ever.

My challenge for each of you is to take time to reflect as you approach any change in your personal or work life. Remember that in order to embrace the change, you have to accept what is ending. This may mean you need to allow yourself to fully acknowledge your grief with kindness and find ways to reflect on what you are grateful for.

This will allow you to embrace the change as an opportunity.