We Don't Need to be Best Pals, But...

Have you ever worked in a team in which everyone got along so well that you wanted to hang out together after work too?  Maybe you do now.  You just like everyone so much that you look forward to being together.  If you have been (or are) in such a team, you will also note that you were most likely highly productive.  The level of communication that can be achieved is hard to duplicate.

Sometimes there may be just one person that you struggle with.  They are never going to be your best pal...BUT they could become a pal somewhere on your list.  I learned a valuable lesson about this years ago.  At the time, I had become distant from my dad.  We were "estranged."  I was attending a communication workshop (similar to EST if you're old enough to remember that -- if not, watch North Dallas Forty).  As was prescribed, I had an epiphany: there were very specific things about my dad that were causing all the trouble.

The first thing I did when I got home was I called him and apologized for how I had treated him.  Then, I was totally open and honest and told him about the two things that I was struggling with.  I asked if we could avoid having those two things in our relationship.  I explained that if he brought either of them up, I would remind him that they were off limits and if he persisted, the conversation would be over.

We started fresh.  As a result, we became very close and we both gained from our renewed relationship.  I have used this technique of compartmentalizing issues many times since.  I find that once I accept someone's flaw(s) (as I see them) and agree to myself to work around it (them), a good relationship can, and usually does, ensue.  I have also learned that once I open myself up to a good relationship with someone, there is always more good than bad to be had by it.

It's not easy.  My emotions are always pulling against my will at first, but this eventually melts away and I can't remember why I was so resistant to making the effort in the beginning.  Sometimes, people have emotional characteristics that make it difficult to relate to them.  When that happens, I remind myself that if they are struggling with some emotional injury, expecting them to behave the way I'd like them to is no different than expecting a blind person to know what color shirt I'm wearing (pink today -- in case you happen to be blind or off-site).  Some people need some accommodation, but again if you compartmentalize, you will find there is more to like than dislike.

In the end, if you make the effort to build good relationships with people, they will almost always return the favor.  It may take some time for both of you and it may take more time for them than you (it usually does if you're the instigator).  Your patience will pay off in the form of more fun, less stress, and increased productivity.  And, you may just get a new pal out of the deal.