Playing Small – The Other Side of Ego

-- Cindy Leavitt

My synonyms for ego used to be pride and hubris. I now add degradation and abasing to that list. My longer definition of ego is “being concerned about ranking and where me and mine (family, team, country, etc.) fit in that ranking.”

From the time I was a small child, I learned that it was much safer and acceptable to play small to try to make others feel comfortable. As a teenage girl, I learned the accepted pattern of “matching” my friends concerns or troubles. When my friend said he/she was struggling in math, an acceptable answer was to tell them what academic subject I had struggled with, not to say, “I am good at math and would love to help you.” I have maintained that abasing pattern through my professional career. I gained clarity about how this was is the other side of ego through Kim Knapp’s coaching.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
― Marianne Williamson, A Return to Love: Reflections on the Principles of "A Course in Miracles"

I have heard the first part of the quote for years and loved it. When I looked it up to include it in my blog, I was very tempted to shorten it or scrub the references to God to make it acceptable in a business setting. I decided not to do that because that would be inauthentic and playing small. My leadership journey has been a very spiritual one. In my quest for knowledge and improvement, many spiritual traditions and practices have been grounding for me. I meditate and exercise every morning so that I have the positive energy to be the person and leader I want to be.

My leadership journey has been messy and iterative. I use the “Fear to Freedom” continuum as a tool to assess whether I am operating in “fear” or “freedom.” When I am operating in fear, I am often playing small. When I am silent because it is not appropriate for a staff member to challenge a faculty member, I am playing small. When I withhold an idea or information because it is not my job or place to be thinking about those things, I am playing small. When I don’t acknowledge my accomplishments and the impact that I have, I am playing small. When I don’t speak up when I see something wrong, I am playing small.

When I am brave and do those small actions, I know that I am making a positive difference for others and that makes me a more impactful leader.

Do you live on the other side of ego? Will you take a few minutes this week and evaluate when you are playing small?

“The difference between what we do and what we are capable of doing would suffice to solve most of the world's problems.” ~ Mahatma Gandhi