“Our ego is the part of us that cares about our status and what people think, about always being better than and always being right. I think of my ego as my inner hustler. It’s always telling me to compare, prove, please, perfect, outperform, and compete. Our inner hustlers have very little tolerance for discomfort or self-reflection. The ego doesn’t own stories or want to write new endings; it denies emotion and hates curiosity. Instead, the ego uses stories as armor and alibis. The ego has a shame-based fear of being ordinary.” - “Rising Strong,” Brene Brown
I know that I am making progress in quieting my ego’s inner hustler by my reactions over time to the feedback about my presentation skills.
Several years ago, a trusted colleague gave me the feedback that I used the word “actually” as a filler word and that it was especially apparent when I was nervous. This feedback was given after I had just taped a video message for our staff when I was already feeling inadequate. I felt like a failure and was mortified. However, I didn’t really take any steps to correct the problem or address the root cause about what was making me nervous.
Fast forward to this year. One of the supervisors in my department came up to me after a presentation and asked if I would be open to feedback. I said I would love the feedback. He told me that I used the work “actually” as a filler word and used it so much that it was distracting. I was so grateful that he was willing to tell me that and that I was in a place that I could hear it and know that I could improve if I paid attention. I asked him if he would be willing to help me and the next few times I gave presentations, to tell me how many times I used the word “actually.” He followed through and it helped me focus and improve.
When I was relaying this story to one of the directors in the group, he volunteered that several members on his team would count how many times I said the word “actually” when I presented. I laughed out loud.
Instead of being mortified, I was amused. That represents a major shift for me. I am practicing being brave and vulnerable. I know I am learning and that I will make mistakes. When I can laugh at my foibles instead of being ashamed, I know I can “actually” change.
I also know that when I am an authentic leader and am open about what I am working on and where I am falling short, it makes it safe for others to share their struggles and be brave and vulnerable.
Photo attribution: : Gift, by asenat29, is licensed under a Creative Commons license CC BY 2.0.]
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